Against My Religion

A friend of mine just informed me that she spent $980 on a pair of shoes. As bad as that sounds, that isn't even the problem. Are you ready for it? Maybe you should sit down first. Okay, the shoes are just TWO inches high. Yes, you heard me: TWO inches high! Can you believe it? This is against all womanhood, right? No one should be allowed such a purchase.

This brings me to the things that are against my religion. Let's see ... well singing is one of them. Definitely. I sing for no one and I mean no one. Not even my kids. I know that's terrible but I'm truly worse than the Australian Idol "unforgettables". I mean they're like rock stars compared to this voice. If I could sing I'd be PINK touring the world.

Cooking might as well be against my religion because I still can't seem to find the stove's on button. It just doesn't work for me. Even with the recipe books. I don't care how famous the chef: I can give them a bad name simply with my execution.

I can't wear clothes to bed. I have to be nude or else it feels too weird. Actually my husband started this trend. Go figure. What man wants his wife clothed? It certainly worked because now I can't imagine wearing anything but nothing. You become one with the sheets. And of course the body next to you!

Speaking of the body next to you leads me to sex. It's definitely not against my religion. Give me a break. I'll take it when and wherever I can except for one place: my parent's house. Of course I've had sex in my parent's house out of need because we have been visiting but it certainly isn't my ideal place at all. My goodness, it feels like we're doing it in church. Not that I know, just not a place I want to scream to the gods like that!

I refuse to wear my bikini while surfing. I know. I'm like the only surfer who wears a head to toe wetsuit during an Australian summer. Luckily for the people around me, I'm not wearing a divers hood and booties. I must say occasionally I get out my spring wetsuit with short sleeves and short legs. But that's as sexy as it gets! Cameron Diaz is in a league of her own. Plus how does she keep it on? Seriously!

Since we're on the beach, I can't stand speedos, budgee smugglers, dick pointers ... whatever you want to call them. They are completely against my religion! There is something about men walking around with their full packages bulging out that I can't stand. I guess I should like it. It should be a turn on, but it's a turn off. I even have a serious pact with my husband around the subject. The deal is he is not to wear them when he swims with me or is at the beach with me.  He is only allowed to wear them when he swims laps without me in sight. And he's absolutely not allowed to wear them when we go back to my home turf in America. When we cross that border, it's all about the boardies!

What's against your religion? I want to know.